The Intercessor's Intimate Chamber: 2016

My Testimony: A Parable of the Apostolic Process

As I look back over my life I see God’s Unchanging Hand orchestrating His grace and will for me in spite of more obstacles than I could ever count or imagine. I spent the majority of my childhood in foster care. Consequently, I was raised in a very religious and legalistic environment that locked me into an unseen prison that I would not recognize until many years later. Yet, a spark of insatiable desire for a real encounter with God remained within my heart in spite of my often cold and oppressive surroundings.

Although I do not remember the incident, my dad told me of a time when I was about three years of age and I responded to an altar call. Evidently, the pastor leaned down and asked me for my request, and I simply responded, “I love Jesus.” You see, grace works like that. It’s not always flamboyant in nature, but it works miracles including the miracle of protecting and nurturing a child - like faith and hunger for God such as mine in spite of living in a world that attempts to snuff it out at every turn. We cannot even take any credit or honestly maintain any sense of pride for our remotest interest or response to God’s wooing in our lives, because it is all by His grace and His grace alone. I remember watching missionary slides as a child with awe and listening attentively to their stories, longing one day to live as a missionary on the foreign field. I desired to give my heart to God and live for Him. As a child, I responded to multiple altar calls stating my desire to be a missionary. Again, even in this I see God’s unchanging hand at work in my life.

I once had an encounter with God as a young child that I will never forget. I remember feeling a void in my heart and insatiable desire for a mother. One night, like many nights before and after it, I laid in bed crying and talking to God. With tears, I asked Him why I couldn’t have a mother. Suddenly, I felt the physical embrace of God’s arms around me. I felt the love, safety and sense of belonging that my soul longed for in such a real and tangible way until I eventually fell asleep in peace. I tried to regain that feeling and experience again and again, but to no avail. Looking back, I now see that this was none other than God’s unchanging hand in my life.

Throughout my high school years the demonic battle for my mind and soul intensified so greatly that I seriously desired death above life. I contemplated suicide many times, yet remained too fearful of hell to make any real attempts at fulfilling this contemplation. Again, I see God’s unchanging hand restraining me from fulfilling the enemy of my soul’s purpose and plan for my life.

In the midst of the intense warfare, I found relief in an unexpected source, which was prayer journaling. The enemy of my soul had gained tremendous strongholds on my mind. Yet, when I would vomit or pour out the lies and deceptions of the enemy and my soul through written prayers to God, I would gain a temporary sense of peace, which caused me to return to this healing practice again and again. In the midst of my whirlwind of turmoil, God gave me a prayer, and I ended each of my journal entries with these words: “Lord, search me, know me, show me, change me, and use me.” Even at that time I envisioned myself writing a book that elaborated on the significance of this prayer. I see God’s unchanging hand even as this vision is being fulfilled right here and right now through the pages of this book regarding God’s apostolic process of becoming in and through our lives.

Through a high school homework assignment, I discovered a hidden gift of poetry that lit my way to poetically cry out to God in a way that I had never dreamed possible. My pen became my weapon of warfare to hold back the enemy from utterly destroying my soul. Little did I know or realize that the call to be transformed through the apostolic process of becoming was ringing forth in my soul, and I was already responding. In fact, prayer and journaling were two keys Holy Spirit had infused and used to unlocking my true God breathed identity and assignment in the Earth. Again, I see God’s unchanging hand in my life.

Although much more sorrow and anguish awaited me in the years to come, God’s grace remained through it all and He answered that strategic prayer many years later in the most unexpected of ways. In fact, He answered my prayer by increasing His clarion call for me to seek His face through prayer and writing. Amazingly, this call and response between God and I remains today, and it is my reason for living. For in Him I live, breathe, move and have my being, and my means of abiding in Him is through the call to prayerfully surrender to His apostolic process of transforming me more and more into His own likeness and image. Prayer is my lifeline through which I endure, not only in survival mode like long ago, but now it is in thriving by His unchanging Hand in my life. Therefore, pursuing God in prayer is the pivotal transformational decision that has turned my life “right side up”, in spite of previously having lived a painful and tormenting “upside down” existence. Again, with a grateful heart I see His unchanging hand in my life.

It was during my college years that God really began to arrest my heart in an increasingly and unexpected way. For me, college was a new beginning and new start to my life. I continued to seek God through campus Bible studies, journaling, reading His Word, and prayer. Yet, Holy Spirit’s quickening within me the passion and call to missions became a key to His transformational process in my life. I joined an internship to minister to youth on the south side of Chicago during the summer of my freshman year and this experience ignited the passion of God within me to overflowing. For the first time in my life I felt home and I found a place to belong. I returned to the internship to minister each summer throughout my college years. In fact, I began taking the bus weekly to continue the Kid’s Club ministry throughout the school year, as well. It was always the highlight of my week. I had never felt such exhilaration and a sense of purpose and fulfillment before. In a sense, I became addicted to it. Prayer became a central part of this ministry, and I would experience an awakening when I prayed, where Holy Spirit would take over, weeping and interceding through me on behalf of the children. I felt that I could empathize with so many of the young people within the ministry, having experienced so much brokenness in my own childhood. Little did I know, God was training me and molding me into the intercessor that He had created, called and ordained me to be in Him before the foundation of the world. All of this was a part of the apostolic process of my becoming completely who God had created, called, and ordained me to become in Him. I had found my place in the world through God’s apostolic process and calling in my life. As a result, I moved into the same neighborhood where I had ministered for several years, attended the local church, and found a teaching job on the south side, as well. The fact that teaching on the south side of Chicago was a challenge is an understatement. Yet, God put within me what it took to persevere and refuse to give up in spite of many tears and a tremendous prayer burden that many times overwhelmed me beyond measure. My hunger for God increased and I began to get up early each day to study His Word and pray. I searched deep and wide for a church that would satisfy my hunger for more and more of God.

One morning after reading from the book of Matthew, Holy Spirit spoke to me clearly, “Just as I anointed Jesus and sent Him into the wilderness, I have anointed you for a work and I am sending you to be prepared.” Little did I know that Holy Spirit was already revealing the first aspect of the apostolic process of becoming, which is separation from the world unto God through discipleship. This was His answer to my petition for His guidance to know whether to leave one congregation to join another. That’s when God led me to New Hope Church, where again I felt home. I continued to minister to the youth in the community and picked up some of my students for church, as well. With the pastor’s blessing I started Kid’s Club in the church reaching out to the neighborhood kids.

Then one day a single conversation opened up a whole new expectation within me. A church member mentioned to me about a missionary, Mother Workman, who had started an orphanage in Haiti. Immediately, I knew that somehow someway I was going to Haiti, and I even sensed that my childhood dream would come true, and God would move me there as a full time missionary. I met Mother Workman at a local conference and committed to spend a month at the mission in Haiti that summer. I have found that rarely do things turn out as I expect them. I literally wept for a week straight once I arrived in Haiti. Although there was certainly dire poverty all around me, I did not weep and cry out to God for this. Rather, the spiritual bankruptcy and demonic oppression is what caused me to weep until I could weep no more. Mother Workman arrived at the mission a few days later and I joined her for the 5 AM prayer every morning in the church. Meanwhile, God was moving in my life in a way that words cannot describe. This move of God reached a climax one watchful night as God kept me up all night and spoke inexpressible things prophetically to me concerning His will for my life. I paced and paced all night listening and talking to God. The revelation that Holy Spirit imparted to me that watchful night was a key to unlocking the truths concerning the apostolic process of becoming, which I share later in this book. I was overwhelmed by the magnitude of His presence, voice and words to say the least. That morning I arrived in the courtyard early before anyone had arrived for prayer. I looked up into the heavens and felt the power of darkness descend in such a real way that I cried out earnestly, “Lord Jesus come quickly!” Unexpectedly and so sternly He responded in my spirit, “What if I had returned before you came to know me?” His words jerked me to the core. “Will you be longsuffering and have mercy on these just as I have suffered long and had mercy on you?” I knew God was calling me to move to Haiti as a full time missionary, which was my dream since childhood, but I just had never expected the presence of the enemy to be manifested to a greater degree than God’s presence within the mission. After this encounter with God, I entered the church for prayer and took my place next to Mother Workman.

As we began to pray I felt a spiritual struggle that was so real that it became physical in nature. My flesh wanted to cling to Mother Workman and commit to serve her even as Elisha had served Elijah. Yet, God spoke clearly to me saying, “No! Not her, but Me!” I knew in that moment that I had a choice to cling to flesh or to completely surrender to God and answer His call and will for my life, because I knew that He was sending me to Haiti primarily on a mission to pray and intercede for His will to be accomplished there. I purposefully stepped away from Mother Workman into the aisle of the church and fell to the ground screaming and weeping in surrender at the top of my lungs. I was crying “Yes!” to God with every ounce of my strength from the depths of my soul. Finally, I arose from the ground completely weakened and sat back on the pew. Mother Workman got up to minister to the people and explained to them that what they had witnessed was not demonic, but I was travailing in prayer. She went on to share that we all need to travail in prayer and the importance of seeking God for revival. After the prayer, Mother Workman reached out to me saying, “Sweetie, don’t stop letting the Lord use you.” There was so much that I didn’t understand, so I continued to seek God for understanding. Looking back, I now understand that God was trying to keep me from misapplying the prophetic words He spoke to me the night before to my present circumstances, because they were all truths that were still yet to come, but not in Haiti and not through Mother Workman. I obeyed God and responded with a wholehearted yes to His call, but in ignorance I still misapplied His words to the mission in Haiti, not realizing that this mission was just a part of my own apostolic process of becoming and the fulfillment of the assignment that is still before me even to this day.

You see, God’s unchanging hand is present in all of our lives, using the good, bad, and indifferent to prepare us to answer His call in order to fulfill our God-given Kingdom assignment in the Earth. Central to each of our unique assignments is the apostolic process of becoming the very essence of who God created us to be in Him. Little did I know, I was about to embark on the spiritual adventure of my life, at least up to that particular time.

I returned to Chicago with a new sense of purpose, driven to believe God to fulfill every word that He had spoken to me. Holy Spirit began to build my faith by fulfilling several miracles in preparation for my move to Haiti. I was not yet financially able to quit my job and move, so I made my requests known to God. Before I left for my first visit to Haiti a sister in the church called me and told me that God had instructed her to ask me if I wanted to rent a room in her house. Not knowing what was in store, I thanked her and told her that I did not need to move in with her, because I already had my own apartment. Yet, like Mary, the mother of Jesus, I held those things in my heart before God. In the end, God was preparing a way for me to minimize expenses in order to prepare financially to move to Haiti the following summer. In addition to this, He miraculously provided the finances to pay off the remainder of my student loans, allowed someone to purchase my car, and provided the additional money that I requested of Him, because Holy Spirit placed a desire in my heart to go to Haiti with a specific offering amount to place in Mother Workman’s hands for the mission. God had answered all of my requests regarding preparing me to move to Haiti the following summer. I was walking on cloud nine and my faith was soaring high. Yet, this was only part of the preparation process.

Mother Workman is a woman of tremendous faith and prayer. Her testimony is full of miraculous answers to prayer and a practice of much prayer and fasting. God began to lead me in this direction, as well. I began to fast and pray more than ever before. By the leading of Holy Spirit, I received a key from the pastor in order to enter the church early each morning before I went to work and pray. He also led me to read through the Bible during these times. Finally, He led me to begin shutting in the church for all night prayer and sometimes for three days of fasting and prayer. All of this was in preparation for answering God’s call and the assignment in Haiti that was before me. I began to hear God’s voice and receive revelation in His Word like never before. The more God ministered to me the more I desired of Him. One afternoon, I came from work crying in frustration with my inability to reach my students as I longed to be used by God to reach them. Classroom management was a constant struggle and I found them fighting against me more than being receptive to discipline and instruction. I drove straight to the church and laid out on the floor weeping before God for Him to bring forth true transformation in my students’ lives. I wept and travailed deeply and cried out to God saying that I once desired a Mother, and I no longer desired this, but my one request was this: “Make me a mother!” I cried out to God to make me into the Mother that I had desired and longed for so long. I was not satisfied with merely teaching kids, but I wanted God to mother them through me, bringing forth transformation in their lives. I knew that Holy Spirit was the one interceding and travailing through me and felt a release as I got up off the floor and left the church. What I didn’t realize was what I was really praying for. Holy Spirit was travailing and interceding through me even at that time concerning the apostolic process of my becoming His vessel of discipleship and transformation in others’ lives!

Finally, I boarded the plane and flew to Haiti, this time not just to visit, but to move into my new home. I arrived before the annual conference for pastors and church congregations from all over Haiti. Part time missionaries from all over streamed in at the same time. It was the busiest time at the mission. God had revealed to me that my primary purpose and mission was to pray and intercede on behalf of the tremendous needs of the ministry. Along with the 5 AM morning prayers, I spent time in the church praying for the conference. One of the missionaries, who was busily decorating the church approached me as I finished praying and began to walk out of the church. She exclaimed, “I don’t know why you are here, but don’t ever stop doing what you are doing! As you were praying, I felt the anointing in such a way that I felt like running around the church.” This encouraged me and served as confirmation to my prayer assignment.

Little did I know, but I was about to experience another Divine appointment that would change my destiny. Some of the missionaries were staying in an extension house outside of the mission compound, whereas I stayed inside the compound with other missionaries. I began to hear an excited buzzing as people were talking about a prophet who was staying in the extension and holding prayer every night. I met her briefly, but did not get to really speak with her. They were speaking of none other than my mother, Apostle Vera Paul. Later she told me that she heard me in the church praying and had asked Mother Workman, “Who is that?” Mother Workman explained that I was a missionary who would be staying full time. Lightheartedly, yet prophetically none-the-less, Apostle Paul asked Mother Workman, “Can I have her?” To which Mother Workman responded with an absolute and resounding, “No!” She also enquired of God concerning me, and He instructed her not to approach me where I was praying or engage in too much conversation with me, but to wait, because He would send her back to Haiti to meet with me at His set time.

As Apostle Paul prepared to leave for the airport, she told me that God said that she would return to take me to a deeper depth of prayer. I held onto her words and prayed them daily asking God to send her back to Haiti to fulfill His promise, because I earnestly desired and needed to grow in the call to prayer and intercession. By the leading of Holy Spirit, I returned to the mission office in Florida in order to seek God through a twenty - one day water fast in preparation for my prayer assignment in Haiti. Finally, I returned to Haiti alone and began my assignment there. My focus was prayer and working with the youngest group of children. The assignment was harder and more challenging than I could have ever imagined. Every day I prayed calling forth Apostle Paul’s return to Haiti. Within a few months she returned for Thanksgiving and conducted daily prayer in the mission church. She also met with me individually, praying and speaking prophetically over me. I experienced the baptism of the Holy Spirit and received my prayer language, which brought me into a realm in the Spirit that I had never experienced before. God had fulfilled His promise and increased the depth of my prayer life beyond my greatest expectations. Although I had already learned to hear the voice of God, my ability to hear God’s voice increased more than ever before.

A pivotal moment occurred when Apostle Paul asked me to pray for her. Then she commented that what I had prayed was exactly the words she had prayed before she left home. I asked her what part exactly, because I had prayed many things. She replied, “Ask God.” So, I began to pray in the Spirit and God responded with the answer, which Prophetess Paul confirmed was accurate. I was amazed to know that I could converse with God like this, asking Him questions and holding conversations with Him just like a flesh and blood person. So, I began to pull away and enquire of the Lord in a new way. Amazingly, my conversations with God continued and my ability to hear His voice and prophetically speak His words increased tremendously. God connected Apostle Vera Paul’s spirit with mine in an indescribable way, and He spoke to me extensively concerning this connection. He also spoke and confirmed things through me to Apostle Paul that God had ministered to her, and she had never shared with anyone else. Many questions remained, because I did not understand how we would be connected as long as I remained a missionary in Haiti. All things would be revealed in due time.

One morning I had a conversation with God that I will never forget. I began to ask Him concerning some mission opportunities that had presented themselves. I asked Him about a well - known mission organization where I could receive training and be stationed in almost any nation in the world. He replied, “If you go, I will bless it.” Then I petitioned Him about another possible mission opportunity. He repeated, “If you go, I will bless it.” Exasperated, I replied, “What do you mean You will bless it? I don’t want You to bless it, I want to know Your will!” Silence. Then I enquired, “What about Apostle Paul?” Again there was silence. I still didn’t understand how the revelation Holy Spirit had ministered to me concerning my connection with Apostle Paul was possible as long as we were separated from one another in two different nations, especially since I believed God’s will was for me to remain in Haiti for the rest of my life. Yet, suddenly in that instant of silence, an understanding rose up in my spirit. God was asking me what I wanted! A reply arose from deep within my spirit, “I want the deeper depths of Your Spirit!” With my own confession I had God’s answer. God taught me that He permits us to make choices in life, and these choices are tests, because God wants to know how far we desire and are willing to go with Him. Truly, there are no limits to the heights and depths of experiencing the manifest presence and glory of God in our lives. This was the beginning of God’s teaching me concerning another key lesson of the apostolic process of our becoming, which is that our God – breathed assignment is much more about who we are becoming than the things that we do physically even in ministry. We are human beings created in God’s image, not human doings. Yet, all that we think, say and do flows out of our beings carrying the essence of who we are in God’s perfectly keen eyesight.

After fifteen months of living in Haiti God tested me again by asking me to give up my life and live permanently in Haiti. I experienced another struggle similar to the first time of surrender in the church and I responded, “yes” to God’s call, no matter the cost or consequences. Immediately, I experienced peace and freedom in my surrender. Within a week or so Apostle Paul returned to Haiti, and I struggled to understand how all of God’s words to me fit together. Finally, one morning in prayer God spoke clearly to me saying, “I have released you from Haiti.” Then He explained that He had tested me similarly to the way that He had tested Abraham when He asked Him to sacrifice his son on the altar. I knew by God’s revelation to me that I would move from Haiti to Texas to live with Apostle Paul and be discipled according to His will and prophetic words to me a year before I had ever met her. To me this is one of the most amazing aspects of my testimony. Holy Spirit had visited me and revealed His will to me concerning my covenantal connection with Apostle Paul an entire year before we had even met, and of all places, this revelation was imparted to me while I was serving as a missionary in Haiti.

Within days of Apostle Paul’s departure back to her home in Texas, I too flew to Florida, knowing that Haiti was no longer my home. God showed me how I had misapplied His words to the Haiti mission and Mother Workman even though He tried to show me that my surrender and commitment was to Him, not man. This lesson of truth along with the specific revelation Holy Spirit released to me during my first visit to Haiti will be discussed further in this book, because it is essential to the apostolic process of our becoming. Amazingly, God had even spoken to me while living in Chicago concerning this Divine connection with my mother, Apostle Vera, but only through time would I understand their true application. I had much to learn and will continue to learn much through Holy Spirit’s transformational process in my life. Holy Spirit constantly works within our lives in order to open our eyes to see as God sees. He is the Intercessor within us, who stirs us to intercede according to the will of God. Every move of God in my life has been orchestrated as a means of fulfilling the call of intercession and becoming who God created, called and ordained me to be in Him before the foundation of the world. Today I continue to grow and respond to this clarion call, and this calling continues to shape me according to the will of God.

Through discipleship and prayer, I have experienced tremendous healing, deliverance, and growth in my relationship with God. Due to my experience of God’s presence and voice in my life, I did not realize the extent to which I needed deliverance from the demonic forces that had held me in bondage for so long. Although I had learned to pray and hear the voice of God, I was unable to pray my own breakthrough. So, by God’s design and will, He used my mother (Apostle Paul) to pray the war faring prayer necessary to break the strongholds of the enemy off of my life. Deliverance is a process, and I have learned that we will all continue to need deliverance and healing until the moment we draw our last breath. I truly thank and praise God for His apostolic and prophetic process in my life, because it has and continues to transform my life from faith to faith, grace to grace, and glory to glory. Finally, God answered my childhood prayer and had given me the Mother of His choice. He ministered to me that He had divinely connected me with Apostle Paul through a spiritual birthing and adoption process that is just as real as the physical birthing and adoption process. It was a God thing that I knew deep down in the depths of my spirit and soul. Though many look on in wonder and fail to understand this truth, Apostle Vera Paul is my mother, because of God’s Will, Work, and Word. I know what God has spoken and revealed to me and I hold onto this unmoved by others’ failure to accept or understand God’s moving in my life. Again, it has all been by God’s unchanging hand. I thank God for the call to pray and the grace of God that continues to enable me to respond to His clarion call. I pray that my testimony ministers to you enabling you to see more clearly God’s unchanging hand in your life through the apostolic process and prophetic art of your becoming that is beckoning to you even now. Do you hear Holy Spirit’s call within your spirit to become all that God has created, called and ordained you to be in Him? Do you desire to fulfill your God given assignment with all that is within you? How then will you answer and respond?

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Deliver Me from 'da Leaven of 'da Pharisee!

Step to 'da mic

Show 'em what cha got

Let Yah's breath

Flow through your wind pipe

Ready or not

Let's go!

It's not even what

But WHO ya' know

So, let it FLOW!

Some folk don’t know how to pray

Cause they’re thinkin’ what to say

Just open your mouth

And thank Yah for another day

Thank Him for showin’ you a better Way

Think back to da’ day

When you were dead in your sin

And you thought your cover up was a win

Thank Yah dat’ now you know HIM

Open your mouth and begin

To praise HIM

Yeshua taught us to pray

He told us exactly what to say

“Abba in Heaven

Deliver me from ‘da leaven

Of ‘da Pharisee

Deliver me from the worst kind of heresy

Believin’ ‘dat my religious works

Will quench my spiritual thirst

‘Dat feels like it’s ‘bout to burst!

Believin’ I’m ‘da best, and others are ‘da worst

Abba in Heaven

Deliver me from ‘dis leaven

Of the Pharisee

Deliver me from ‘dis worst kind of heresy

Spiritual PRIDE

When I’m ‘da reason ‘dat Yeshua died!

I’m ‘da reason for His nail scared hands

I’m ‘da reason ‘dat He was treated like less than a man!

I’m ‘da reason for ‘da scars in His feet

I’m ‘da reason ‘dat He got BEAT!

I’m ‘da reason ‘dat His blood shed

And ‘dat ‘da grave became His bed

And ‘dat’s not all

I’m not ONLY ‘da reason for His fall

I’m ‘da reason ‘dat Yah raised Him from ‘da dead!

‘Dat’s right! I’m a partaker of the Livin’ BREAD!

Yet, I use His gifts to draw fans

And boldly declare ‘dat I’m more than a mortal man!

In fact, I’m blessed and highly favored

Yet, I don’t even know how to love my neighbor

Abba in Heaven

Deliver me from ‘dis leaven

And teach me how to seek first

‘Da Kingdom of Heaven!

Deliver me from ‘da leaven of religion

Release me from ‘dis terrible prison

Help me understand ‘dat I’m not saved,

'Cause of my decision

You’re the ONLY One Who really KNOWS me

And STILL You chose me!

In spite of my hypocrisy

In spite of my demented Pharisaical philosophy

Thank you for openin’ my eyes to see my vanity

Cause Your Word says,

‘Dat you died for ALL humanity

Abba in Heaven

Thank you for deliverin’ me from ‘dis leaven

Of ‘da Pharisee

Thank you for deliverin’ me from

‘Dis worst kind of heresy

When You opened my eyes to SEE

And opened 'da Door to set me FREE

I began to build up ‘dis knowledge

And I boasted ‘dat I didn’t learn ‘dis stuff in college

But I spent years studying my Hebrew roots

And I know stuff the famous preachers

Only wish they knew

When I should REALLY only seek to know YOU